My Painless Divorce

The Truth about Cheating Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It

The Truth about Cheating Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It

An unprecedented look at the real reasons for male marital infidelity, and what might prevent it

Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity. It can shatter trust and breed insecurity and resentment from which some relationships never recover. People who think it won’t happen to them are hit that much harder when it does. Why are men unfaithful? Can infidelity be prevented? Can a wife single-handedly ensure that her husband won’t stray? What do men say they’re getting from their mistresses that they’re missing at home? Do a man’s friends have anything to do with his willingness to cheat?

While there are books that have explored the feelings and experiences of wives whose husbands have been unfaithful, the question of why men cheat and whether it is because of sexual dissatisfaction, emotional dissatisfaction, or something else has remained largely unexamined. At last, Lessons from Cheating Husbands presents many fascinating and provocative answers. In this book, experienced family counselor Gary Neuman shares the revealing and surprising findings of a cutting-edge research study in which he interviewed and studied close to 100 men from 48 states who have physically cheated on their wives. In this book, Neuman shares many shocking discoveries, including the prominent role of emotional dissatisfaction in motivating husbands who stray and how small a role sexual dissatisfaction plays.

Drawing on dramatic case stories of the author’s own work with clients, Lessons from Cheating Husbands includes proactive strategies and action steps for married women that will help them prevent infidelity, and create a faithful and rewarding marriage.

User Ratings and Reviews

3 Stars Truth about Cheating why man Stray and what you can do to prevant it.

It would be cheaper to buy this book than go through heartbreak, counceling or divorce. Save it if you can.

1 Star Wrong Target
Author Gary Neuman asked cheating husbands why they cheated on their wives. The husbands faulted their wives claiming their wives didn’t meet their sexual and emotional needs…they felt there was no other choice but to get a mistress to meet those needs.

At first, the author says women should not be blamed for their husband’s infidelity and are not responsible for his actions…but then spends the entire book telling women to fix his problem by making sure they meet his needs from now on so he won’t have to cheat on her. But if she’s not to blame for the problem, why is the burden on her to fix it?

This is a case of actions speaking louder than words…revealing the author’s true feelings about male infidelity. His solution is basically for wives to act more like the less complicated, less demanding, and totally accommodating mistresses these men are sneaking off to. The logic being that once she starts acting more like a mistress rather than a wife, then just like that…she’ll have successfully “affair-proofed” her marriage and will have transformed a self-absorbed man into a considerate man who’d never cheat on her.

But an obvious point missing here is that these men had other choices available. If these husbands weren’t getting enough sexual and emotional attention, it certainly EXPLAINS why they were unhappy in their marriage and why they would be drawn to women who supplied these things on demand…but it doesn’t EXCUSE his cheating. Both the husbands and this author act as if their suffering was so great they had no other choice but to have an affair, but they DID have choices. They could’ve:

1 — Assertively asked their wives to meet their needs

I understand men have their pride…asking a woman for help can be embarrassing for them, especially asking for something like more compliments. But his wife is not a mind reader. If he wants his needs met, he will need to vocalize them. Maybe he feels they shouldn’t have to be vocalized, but that’s a false assumption. What may be important to him may not be a big deal for her…so if it’s missing in the marriage, it won’t be made a priority unless HE speaks up. If he approaches her in an assertive way that neither aggressively demands compliance nor passively hints at compliance via a guilt trip…then he increases his chances that his needs will be met.

2 — Ask for a divorce

These husbands claimed that they tried everything they could to make their marriages work, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t win. Well, if the situation were truly that hopeless, if he assertively asked his wife to address his needs, but she coldly refused to, then why was he still sticking around for that kind of abuse? Why string along someone you neither love nor feel loved by? But I also question just how hard these men really tried. These men came across as pretty passive and quick to throw in the towel. And then they went out in public behaving like single, unattached men. So, if they’re going to BEHAVE like single, unattached men, then they should BE single, unattached men.

3 — Ask for a separation

If these men were unhappy, but unclear as to whether they should stay or go, they could’ve asked for a separation to clear their head. There would also be a clear understanding that they are both free to see other people during this time. This way, he can experience if the grass is really greener on the other side being with this woman without betraying his wife in the process.

4 — Ask for an open marriage

If he doesn’t want to divorce because it’s too expensive or he wants to see his kids everyday, then he can opt for an open marriage where they’re each free to live together, but lead separate lives. He’s already doing that, but this way, she has the opportunity to as well, so as not to be sexist. I have a feeling these men don’t opt for that because while they are comfortable allowing another woman to caress their naked body, they would be furious if another man were allowed to caress his wife’s naked body. His wife may not go along and if that’s the case, he could either respect her decision by sending signals to the potential mistress that an affair is not going to happen or ask for a divorce/separation. But chances are, if he’s asking for an open marriage, his wife will be curious to know why and that could possibly lead to the first honest conversation they’ve ever had about his unmet needs.

So, unless his mistress put a gun to his head or his father pulled a Freaky Friday by stepping into his body and making him have sex with another woman, he had a choice in the matter. He may claim he was overcome with emotion and couldn’t help himself, but I’m sure there have been times where he has been so angry he could murder someone, but he controlled that impulse to do so despite how pleasurable it would feel at the time. He may also site a broken marriage, but just like there are kids from broken homes who choose to rise above the situation, there are also people in broken marriages who choose to rise above that situation, so that is not an excuse either. Remember, there’s a faithful spouse in this equation. If he was unhappy in the marriage, chances are good his wife was, too…and yet she chose not to cheat. He could’ve chosen not to cheat, too. Because he DID choose to cheat, he is 100% responsible and accountable for his decisions.

The second blatantly obvious point missing in this book has to do with character. Character is who you are when no one is looking. If when his wife is not looking, he’s breaking the mutually agreed upon rules of the monogamous contract, then what does that say about his character? These men all said they would never confess to their affairs, not even if asked outright, and my guess is it’s because they wouldn’t want their wives probing too deeply into their character. The author doesn’t want wives probing too deeply into their character either. Like a magician using misdirection or the Wizard of Oz telling everyone not to look at the man behind the curtain, the author focuses women on their own character instead of his. If she did focus on his character, she’d realize that it’s not her actions that caused his affairs, but his mindset.

The author does try to redeem these men’s character by claiming they feel guilty about their affairs, but the stories he provided didn’t support that claim. For instance, one man described in detail how he invented business trips in order to get away with cheating. The way he described it sounded like a man bragging how he pulled one over on his wife. When the author asked him if he felt guilty about that, the man replied, “I guess you feel guilty.” You guess??

See, I think these men claimed to feel guilty because they sensed that’s what the author wanted to hear. After all, these men couldn’t successfully pull off an affair if they weren’t adept at lying.

Instead of feeling guilty, it seemed instead that these men felt entitled to have an affair…and you can’t feel both guilty about something and entitled at the same time. The feeling seemed to be that since their wives weren’t playing nice, they weren’t going to play nice. Tit for tat — though an affair is a far worse punishment than anything she could dish out. These men sounded like little boys who get in trouble for pulling their sister’s hair saying, “Well, she started it!” Instead of challenging these men’s immature coping skills, the author indulges their self-pity by taking sides and basically agreeing, that yeah, she did start it and she needs to stop if if she wants him to stop it.

Another case of self-pity is a man who thought it was ridiculous that his wife didn’t catch on to his affairs. He would tell her he was going to play golf even though he didn’t own golf clubs and was annoyed that his wife didn’t catch on. I guess it never occured to him (because he was so wrapped up in his own self-pity) that the reason his wife didn’t suspect anything was because she had total faith and trust in him that he would never cheat on her behind her back. And I guess it also never occured to him that since trust is something that should be earned, that trust he gained from his wife was trust he hadn’t earned. And this is the type of guy the author wants women to knock themselves out trying to keep in their life?

Earlier I said a man could control his urge to cheat the same way he can control his urge to murder, but he can only if his conscience is stronger than his urges. If he has a strong conscience, then he won’t cheat not even if he has both motive and opportunity. It would be like trying to get intimate with someone covered in urine. No matter how emotionally and/or sexually attracted, that smell (his conscience) would kill the mood. But if that smell is weak, then forget it. You could follow all the steps in this book and he will still cheat because a man with a weak conscience will always search for and successfully find a good enough excuse to bend the rules in his favor. And a woman cannot take on the impossible task of being his conscience for him.

A slippery conscience will certainly lead a man to stray, but so too will slippery boundaries. Despite what other’s say, I don’t believe affairs “just happen”. Boundaries don’t get crossed without an invitation. Trying to seduce a married man is a very bold move. Without the green light from him, a mistress would grow bored of the chase or be too embarrassed to continue. Another way to tell that affairs don’t start innocently would be to ask the cheating husband if he would’ve treated this new woman in exactly the same manner as he would if his wife were standing by his side the entire he was getting to know her. If his answer is No, then that proves that he was behaving in ways that guaranteed the affair would happen.

A man’s conscience and his boundary limits are all things that a woman cannot control, yet how strong or weak these are will determine whether an affair will happen or not. The only person who has control over whether a man cheats or not then is the man himself. So by focusing all the attention women’s behavior in this book, doesn’t that seem like the author is aiming at the wrong target?

If a man carries with him a weak conscience and weak boundary limits coupled with a narcissistic sense of entitlement and a victim mentality, then it’s not accurate to say that his wife is the one who caused his affair to happen. He was an affair just waiting to happen.

But I understand how women in particular could be vulnerable in thinking otherwise. I mean, what woman alive hasn’t tried to change a man? What woman hasn’t been guilty of excusing bad behavior thinking he’s just misunderstood and just needs the love of a good woman and of course, she is the angel sent from above to come and save this man from himself? It’s very flattering to the ego to think this way…but it’s also delusional. If a man is going to change his mindset, it’s because his mindset no longer works for HIM and because he wants to change badly enough. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. We hear that a million times, yet it doesn’t seem to stick which is why books like this are in existence in the first place.

Women are also guilty of “if only” thinking. If only she acted in more loving ways, then he wouldn’t act in unloving ways. This thinking starts in childhood when a child thinks “if only” they hadn’t been such a bad kid, then their parents wouldn’t drink so heavily, wouldn’t hit them, wouldn’t have abandoned them, etc… But by doing so, they take away the responsiblity from him and carry in on their shoulders which will not help either of them. Imagine you knew a woman whose husband just hit her. Would you tell her that if only she had shown him more love, he wouldn’t have been reduced to having to hit her? Would you tell her that all she needs to do is follow the instructions in this book and he will never hit her again? Would that message “empower” her…or give her a false sense of security?

The problem I had with the solutions offered in this book is not that men shouldn’t get their needs met. The needs they mentioned (wanting more attention, admiration, affection, etc…) are all legitimate needs. And if you love someone, you should want to please them. My problem is that some of these solutions ask a woman to act like her husband’s mommy. For example, the author tells women they need to keep their husbands away from any friends they have that are cheaters. Like a good mommy, she needs to choose his friends for him since these men claimed they wouldn’t have had an affair had it not been for the influence of their cheating friends. Are you really surprised they would blame their friends for their actions? First their wives, now their friends…. One man said he went out dancing with other women only because his friend insisted on it. So am I to believe he tried his hardest to fight off his friend or am I to believe he couldn’t say No because he didn’t want to hurt his friend’s feelings? What if his friend suggested they go swimming with sharks, would he have gone because the poor guy just can’t say No to his friends so his wife will have to be there to intervene?

The problem with that logic can be summed up in the saying, “Birds of a feather flock together”. These men chose these friends for a reason. If their friends’ cheating ways bothered their conscience so much, they would’ve ditched those friends long ago and his wife’s interference would be unnecessary. Another point that’s ironic is that the author also advises women to have more sex with their husbands and to show more respect. But how she feel sexual towards someone she’s also treating like a son? How can she have respect for someone she’s also treating like an unruly 2-year old?

My fear is that because of this book, woman are going to become paranoid everytime they get into an unsettled argument with their husband or deny his sexual advances or basically not love him in the exact way he wants her to thinking, oh no, now he’s going to sneak around behind her back and it’ll be her fault. Discovering an affair is a traumatic event for someone, but to add a guilt trip on top of that saying if only she had loved him better, this never would’ve happened, is just cruel. That’s mental abuse. And that’s why I’ve given this the lowest rating possible.

My other fear is that men reading this will also join in on the shame blame game. After all, he’s not going to want to see himself as a failure, so he’ll project his shame onto his wife so the shame can be carried on her shoulders instead of on his. He’ll blame in order to feel justified in betraying her trust in him and to also avoid any negative consequences that would result in doing so. And with a rabbi backing him up, it will work! But blaming, while it’ll make him feel better in the short term, will not lead to personal growth in the long term. By holding other people responsible for his happiness, he strips away his own power and will remain stuck.

I think a better book would be not only challenge men’s passive-aggressive responses to stress, but to also teach them how to assertively deal with their issues head on. This book does the opposite — indulge his childish responses and then have women acting like mommies trying to anticipate when their unruly child-like husbands might get into trouble and then stepping in and taking over their lives. Personal growth won’t happen that way. And neither one of them will win.

3 Stars Needed Dialog About The Causes of Infidelity
It’s a real shame that a lot of women will not get the information they should have to make up their own minds about what to take from this book (and what to leave behind) because they will read posts from people who slam the book just because it’s not to their liking or doesn’t comport to their morals.

The old harpys and moralists who condemn this book for being an excuse for men to feel entitled to certain things in a marriage need to realize that one of the problems in relationships these days is a lack of communication and connection. Whether it’s our culture’s increasingly secularist slant or the result of so many divorces or something else, people under 40 don’t regard the vows of marriage as all that sacred any more. Good, bad, right or wrong, it is a fact. And if you’re in a marriage or other serious, monogamous relationship these days, and care to have it continue, wouldn’t it behoove you to have as many tools as possible to achieve that goal? This book is valuable, if for nothing else, to that end.

4 Stars Appreciation
I don’t care about the cheating part of this book… Maybe the author has it right, maybe he doesn’t. I didn’t care about any of that.. it was useful to me in a different way. My mom told me to download it off of Oprah.com, so I did to see what it was about (it is intriguing wondering why some men cheat.. ) and I read it, once I saw what it was talking about.

It helped me in my marriage.. because my husband had been giving me so many clues as to what it was he needed from me, and I wasn’t very tuned into it, because he wasn’t as vocal about his needs as I am about mine.

My husband would say things like “It seems like you don’t appreciate me…”

Or.. If we had a fight or anything, he would basically say what the author talked about,, “I can never win”.. although not using those words.

I have a really amazing husband who tries very much to make me happy and to keep our relationship healthy- I didn’t realize that the way I was pinpointing things to be fixed, was also making him feel like he never made me happy.. He fills up my “love tank” (see the book 7 love languages- also amazing for us) regularly, and I want to be as loving back. This book helped me to see how I wasn’t showing him the appreciation he certainly earns..

And.. If some women don’t think they should show appreciation when their husband does basic things like- take out the garbage and make some food for you- I think that is wrong. He doesn’t actually have to do ANYTHING and chances are your guy has qualities that you like and that are worth showing appreciation for. I know I love it when my husband shows appreciation for the little things I do for him.. They need it to!!

I also recommend getting a book on the Meyers-Briggs typing and find out what you both are. That has also helped us immensely in understanding one another. It helps to realize that personality type means people prefer certain ways of being and this can help you avoid conflict once you realize that he prefers to be the one to fix things, but that you are better with finances. (or whatever it may be). It can also help you understand why your spouse never notices the dirty socks he/she leaves on the floor.

Just my .02 cents. Nothing too complicated.

2 Stars The (one-sided) Truth about (the two-sided problem of) Cheating
Based on a 42-question survey of divorced men; one hundred cheaters and one hundred non-cheaters were questioned about why they cheated. Unsurprising (to us men), when the husbands were asked why they cheated, the most popular answer was not because of wild sex or even the beauty of the illicit partner, but emotional dissatisfaction with the existing marriage partner. Further, they admitted to having wives who sent them the constant unsubtle messages that they were losers: less than adequate husbands; that they were in effect insensitive, lazy, and selfish. And their wives reserved the right to define them that way. Husbands thus felt that they were in a lose-lose situation. And then along comes a “little honey” that strokes this much-bruised ego, and boom, an illicit affair is on.

The crowning revelation of the book is that men are emotional beings and react as such (duh), even when societal conditionin often leaves them tongue-tied and unable to express their feelings competently.

So a man (M. Gary Neuman, the author) tells women that men are emotional beings: surprise, surprise? Surely this author knows better than anyone else that infidelity is now not just a one-sided but a two-sided problem. And more importantly, he knows as well that almost all infidelity, no matter the side, is emotional fidelity. Its just that when women use “emotional dissatisfaction” as justification for infidelity, they get sympathy and permission just short of a “full pass” to go ahead with the infidelity if helps to solve their other self-esteem problems. (Just be careful at it? Don’t get caught.) And as usual the men get scape-goated as the uncaring unemotional deadweight of the marriage they are caricatured to be. When the shoe is on the other foot of this female double standard however, it somehow still gets to work to the women’s advantage, women still get sympathy for their extramarital excursions, while men continue to get the shaft: “they are all just dogs anyway” (remember?)

Although there is much useful information and helpful advice in this book there is a truism in play here that cannot be denied. In my view it is larger than the information in the book. It is this: Books for women about men invariably are about little more than correcting women’s own distorted misconceived or preconceived self-definitions of men. If one judges by what appears in many women magazines, women tend to believe all of their own worse clich

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Michael Clayton Widescreen Edition

Michael Clayton Widescreen Edition

Attorney Michael Clayton is a “fixer,” the go-to guy when his powerful New York law firm wants a mess swept under the rug. But now he’s handed a crisis even he may not be able to fix. The firm’s top litigator in a $3-billion case has gone from advocate to whistleblower. And the more Michael tries to undo the damage, the more he’s up against forces that put corporate survival over human life – including Michael’s. George Clooney portrays Michael, backed into a career corner that offers little room to fight free in this suspense- and star-packed thriller written and directed by Tony Gilroy (writer/co-writer of the Bourne movie trilogy). Keep your eyes on Michael Clayton. He has some life-or- death decisions to make. Fast.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Searching for Grace
This is a story of Michale Clayton (George Clooney) a legal “janitor” who suffers a crisis of conscience when a manic-depressive friend and lawyer, Arthur Edens (Tom Wilkinson), does the same. While the plot is a typical corporate thriller which banks in occasionally on the audience’s suspension of disbelief, it is far more realistic and well crafted than most films of its genre.

George Clooney gives an intense performance, perhaps the best of his I’ve seen, as the titular Michael Clayton. His boyish, aging face conveys both competence and weariness. He is especially convincing in the miraculous, quiet moments of grace which occur both in a field and a taxi. As Arthur, Tom Wilkinson’s English accent occasionally slips through. This does not prevent his portrayal as a passionate, intelligent man searching for morality, high on a chemical imbalance, from resonating. Tilda Swinton as executive Karen Crowder seems perhaps too calculated, but because Karen’s intimate moments may be as fake as the calm face she presents to the world, Swinton’s acting works perfectly. Acting is believable all around, including Denis O’Hare as a panicked, aggressive client and Sydney Pollack as Michael’s efficient, realist boss.

Robert Elswit cinematography is fantastically dark, subtle, and poetic. James Newton Howard’s score is also touching, involving throbbing beats and lovely moments of clarity. Tony Gilroy’s script is a little overly symbolic, but otherwise incredible. The corporate and legal worlds, Arthur’s manic depression, and Michael’s psychology and relation with his son are deeply authentic.

This film is engrossing but not full of blockbuster trademarks. It also does not say anything original about the sins of the city, major corporations, and law firms, but what it does say it does in a novel manner. It is a tale of banal evil and redemption, a very common, but a very necessary, message indeed.

5 Stars brooding morality tale
George Clooney plays Michael Clayton, a washed-up lawyer who has taken on the role in his firm of “fixer” or “bagman” — the guy who clears up all the messes. It’s a fine, understated performance at the center of this intelligent thriller.

“Clayton” follows in the tradition of “Erin Brockovitch” and “A Civil Action” in which the protagonist has to expose a cynical, evil corporation poisoning people and the environment. The difference is that Clayton is a very reluctant crusader who only springs into action when a colleague mysteriously commits suicide — or so we’re supposed to think.

Clooney plays the best kind of hero, the kind that redeems a failed life and career by doing the right thing. Tilda Swinton also delivers a fine performance as the general counsel of the aforementioned corporation. Tom Wilkinson is perfect as a lawyer cracking up.

The tension builds slowly until the final 20 minutes when everything comes together. I found it completely absorbing.

4 Stars 3 stars out of 4
The Bottom Line:

A twisting, tangled thriller that benefits from stellar turns by a justly-rewarded Tilda Swinton, a tired-eyed George Clooney and a manic Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton isn’t an especially-deep movie but it is highly recommended to those who like their films smart.

4 Stars Legal Cover-up/Thriller
Filmed in New York and Wisconsin, George Clooney and Sydney Pollack provide excellent performances, as do the other actors. Michael Clayton (Clooney), once a brilliant litigator for a legal firm, has become a “fixer”. He “fixes” things. He gets caught up in a web of deceit and cover-up and finds out something that puts his life in jepoardy. Although a little slow, it is not too slow. It is interesting watching the plot and characters unfold. It is about the legal system, law suits, and cover-ups and is similar in plot to the Erin Brockovitch movie.

5 Stars Graet Movie
Although this is primarily a vehicle for George Clooney, the movie is blessed with a strong cast who never fail to convince. Tom Wilkinson, Tilda Swinton and the late Sydney Pollack inhabit their characters completely. The film is bleak, but not without hope, and a nice twist at the end.

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